The Marriage Files

Valentine's Day is the holiday people love to hate. The usual criticism is that it's "contrived," a festivity made up by greeting card companies and florists to tide them over between Christmas and Easter. Personally, I think its real problem is psychological. Unlike the religious celebrations, the national holidays such as Thanksgiving, and my favorite holiday, the Super Bowl, which are usually family affairs with deeply rooted traditions, we don't learn how to behave on Valentine's Day in the comforting embrace of a community. We learn how to behave on Valentine's Day when we are at our most vulnerable, with our hearts laid bare in the paralyzing fear of rejection. It's no wonder Valentine's Day generates so many advice columns!

A quick review of Valentine’s Day advice circulating in the media reveals that most advice mongers apparently subscribe to the Valentine’s-Day-as-capitalist-conspiracy theory...and they're working for the capitalists. The whole ritual is treated like a commercial transaction or a laboratory experiment: buy this, do that, make sure to follow such-and-such a procedure in order to get the following result, etc. It’s as formulaic as the income tax code, and just about as romantic—maybe even dangerous. Consider this excerpt from an article I found online:

“Ignored at your peril, Valentine's Day is the time to make something more than a casual gesture toward the object of your affections.”

Does that sound like a threat to you, too?

The second thing I couldn’t help but notice is that V-Day might as well be called She Day. One fellow wrote, “February 14th is just around the corner, and it's once again time for our Special Valentine (sic) to expect to receive the royal treatment from their male counterparts.” Bad grammar aside, he’s right: Top Ten Valentine’s Day gift lists are invariably gifts for him to give her, not the other way around.

In another article, a husband-and-wife couple both dispense advice to their respective sex. She penned the following: “Don't get your expectations too high” and continued with a suggestion that women buy some lingerie for themselves, finishing with the pragmatic observation, “Even if your evening doesn't get that far, you'll still know you got a pretty bra out of the deal.” Meanwhile, he wrote, “To me, romance is about giving.” That’s good, I thought, since for her romance seems to be about getting.

Yep, Valentine’s Day boils down to an occasion on which men are expected to do sweet, romantic things for the women in their lives, and on which women expect sweet, romantic things to be done for them. Now, one could argue forcefully that women do thoughtful things for men, and men fail to reciprocate, on the other 364 days of the year, so that having one day on which the onus is on men to do and give is hardly unreasonable. Plus, even if a woman wanted to buck the trend and make Valentine’s Day a two-way street, the momentum is just against her. She’d find herself battling a virtual riptide of tradition flowing in the opposite direction.

Nonetheless, every Valentine’s Day, there’s always one article making the rounds suggesting that women turn the tables and send their beloveds flowers and chocolates. Good in theory, lousy in practice. One year, when my husband K— and I were dating, I fell for this. I bought him flowers and had them delivered to his workplace. All day, I was sitting on the edge of my seat, thinking about him and waiting for his reaction. Finally, I got the call. He said, “No one’s ever bought flowers for me before. That was…sweet. Please don’t ever do it again.”

Now, how many times has that happened to a man? Not many, I’d be willing to bet. So, you see, it may not be entirely the fault of the ladies that V-Day has become all about men doing for women. Be that as it may, I still think that romance should be reciprocal. I was right to give; I was just all wrong with the flowers.

The third thing I discovered about Valentine’s Day advice is that it’s often contradictory, disingenuous or just plain bad. For instance, this bit of conflicting counsel from one male correspondent: “…find out what she feels like doing…(then) follow through with a special evening full of surprises...” Now, think about this for a moment. If she’s surprised at the evening’s activities, it must be because they aren’t the things she asked to do. What exactly is the point of finding out what she’s got in mind if you’re going to ignore what she says and carry out a prepared battle plan, anyway?

And when sincerity counts, guys, be sure to open the car door for your lady and hand her some roses, because, in the words of the man who instructs you to do this, these “fussy details” are actually “little stunts” (italics mine) that “impress most women.”

Another man, who seems to share the same standard of refinement, points out that simple details like “opening the door and letting her in before you will set the evening apart from conventional dates.” Wow! Makes me wonder what a conventional date with this guy is like. Probably bring-your-own-beer, loan him fifty bucks, and see your own way to the bus stop at the end of the night. It shouldn’t have to be Valentine’s Day for a woman—or a man—to get simple courtesy.

Women get similarly misguided. For instance, the same gal who advocates the lingerie-as-consolation-prize spending spree for yourself exhorts women to “make any gifts heartfelt. If you're going to get him a gift, it should have special significance—perhaps reflect something about his life that you respect/admire/appreciate. Can't think of anything? Bake him cookies.”

Now, by “Can’t think of anything?” I’m sure she didn’t mean, “Can’t think of anything about him you respect, admire or appreciate?” even though it sounds that way (read it again). Let’s assume that what she meant was “Don’t know what he finds significant?” Either way, one thing’s for sure: don’t bake him cookies! “Significant” with respect to men means one thing: electronics. Go to Circuit City.

No wonder everyone’s so confused about what to do and what to expect on Valentine’s Day! As a public service, I’d like to clear up the confusion with this Concise Guide to What Men and Women Really Want on Valentine’s Day.

Women: On Valentine’s Day, a woman wants her man’s time and attention. If you have a woman who prefers diamonds, it’s either because you’ve neglected her so much she’s given up on getting your time and attention and is resigned to settling for baubles instead or she’s a heartless gold-digger and you should dump her. That said, some nice token of your affection that she can look at after the holiday (on one of those other 364 days of the year when you fall back into your usual thoughtless habits) will probably be appreciated, but not if it comes without your time and attention.

Men: On Valentine’s Day, what men really want is for there to be no such thing as Valentine’s Day. Tough luck, guys. In lieu of that, they want electronics. There are no men who don’t want electronics.

So, to recap. Women: Time, attention, and little tokens of appreciation, such as flowers.

Men: To be let off the hook, but since there’s no chance of that, electronics.

Pretty simple, really.

Now, print out those two sentences and use them as needed. Put a copy in your wallet, and well before the 14th, tack them up somewhere where both you and your spouse will see them, like above your bed. If you’re single, mail them anonymously to your significant other.

Women, when you find yourself tempted to buy your guy silk boxers, cologne, or anything with hearts on it, pull out my foolproof advice to get you back on the right track. Men, realize that the most precious gift you can give your better half cannot be purchased. Everyone, plan to give, be grateful to receive, and do your best to discredit the soulless critics of Valentine’s Day who think love doesn’t deserve its own day.

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