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| When I was writing this, a few people asked me why I was writing about what women don’t want, as opposed to what women do want. Briefly, it’s because I could get a whole article out of it. What women want can be summed up in a single sentence. My sister said it perfectly: women want a woman in a man’s body. So, guys, go back to the last TMF, What Men Want, and review it. We want someone who takes care of all the household chores, shuts up as requested, doesn’t contradict us, and maintains a perfect but interestingly changing physique.1 Also, he should eat leftovers until they’re gone, not just until he’s sick of them. But don’t stop reading yet. You see, I absolutely guarantee you that the majority of men are walking around with their heads chock full of things they think women want, but which women actually don’t want. Men, if you are interested in having a long-term relationship with a woman, it’s not enough to know about the things she wants; you must also purge yourself of your misconceptions. Shockingly, it turns out there’s a near-perfect convergence between what men think women want and what women don’t want! How can this be? It’s tempting to be flip and write off this gross incongruity as evidence that guys don’t pay attention very well, but nothing is that simple, and to be fair, I have to acknowledge that it might be because guys get really, unbelievably, astonishingly atrocious advice and examples from other men. If women got the kind of advice and examples men do, humans would be extinct by now. For evidence to support my contention, let’s look at AskMen.com,2 where “5 million readers a month” get their bad advice. In a section called Dating & Love, I found an “expert” who goes by the moniker “Doc Love” and uses the guise of an advice column to encourage the kind of behavior most women would like to believe died out before their parents were born. Doc Love refers to women as “dollies” and is hawking something he calls The System (subtitled The Only Book that Answers the Question: Why Does a Woman Choose One Man vs. Another?). The System costs $99, but I guess you have to expect a hefty price tag on “the Bible for men.” It should be no surprise that Doc Love writes, “giving her your number shows her you're weak. [You’re] the man, you're the aggressor, and you're going to call her...” Now, in most spheres of life, aggression is something that gets you fined, dead or behind bars. Why would women want it in romance? So, the first thing on our “What Men Think Women Want” (but they don’t) list is this: aggression. Doc Love also tells a reader that talking to his friends about his relationships “can only hurt” him. I have a theory about this. Since Doc Love3 is selling The System, he doesn’t want potential readers to just go to their friends for advice. After all, if they did, they might get some, and then why would they spend $99 for his pile of nonsense? Telling guys not to talk about relationships with their friends is a form of job security. The poor schmuck who follows his advice ends up uncommunicative and clueless, and guess what’s number two on our list? Now let’s cull some other bastions of popular culture for things men think women want. Remember that short-lived game show called The Chair, hosted by John McEnroe? On one episode there was a contestant with a grossly overblown ego who couldn’t stop talking about how sexy he was. He got labeled “Mr. Sexy” in the media. Unfortunately for him, he couldn’t keep his heart rate under control long enough to answer the first question (thereby disqualifying himself), and McEnroe rather pointedly observed, “This isn’t too sexy.” You must understand that the problem wasn’t that he couldn’t exert enough self-control to compete. There’s a very large class of women to whom that’s actually charming because it seems vulnerable. The problem was that he bragged. So number three on our list is this: overconfidence. The next one is a biggie. It’s so big, it has two parts: lying and power issues. Why am I lumping these two seemingly unrelated things together? The March 2004 issue of GQ magazine explains all. That issue had this story featured prominently on the cover: Why We Lie (and Lie and Lie) to Women. The “we,” of course, is “men,” and the answer is, “Because then it feels like I’ve gotten away with something. It’s a kind of power.” Lying and power—inherently related. And number four on the list. By the way, the author of that article isn't exactly advising men to lie, but he does talk a lot about how he imagines that "honesty is not an option"—although, of course, it is. And his own marital status? Divorced. Number five is going to surprise you: money. Guys still think that women want them to be providers, but this is just too easy to disprove. Think about it. Most guys aren’t and have never been rich. Most guys are married…to women. Hence, most women didn’t marry rich. That makes women either a) failures at their own nefarious plan to marry money, or b) not as concerned about money as guys think they are. Last4 on the list is a subject that’s rather delicate, but instead of beating around the bush, I’m going to just come right out and say it: weird sex, or at least humiliating sex. To explore this topic, let’s return to AskMen.com, this time plumbing the Sexuality section, where I found this advice: “Spanking When spanking a woman, make sure not to strike continuously at a rapid pace. Spank her with your fingers together and after impact, rub the area lightly and wait a moment before you go for it again. As well, switch cheeks periodically.” My, how considerate: spanking etiquette. Ladies, aren’t you glad someone out there is telling men this stuff? God knows, if someone weren’t, we’d have to say it ourselves. By the way, this excerpt is from an article entitled “Your Guide to Backside Fun,” which was suggested by Steve L. of Chicago, IL. I mention him just so any women out there reading this who know a Steve L. in Chicago, IL, can keep a wide berth. Now, men, if you look at your current relationship and find that you’re with a woman who really seems to want any of the things I’ve told you women don’t want, one of two things is going on: a) the woman you’re dating may not really be a woman at all (have you taken the female/shemale quiz?5) or b) the woman you’re dating may be an exception to the rule, and you should run for your life while you still have a chance. This isn’t a gal with whom you want to tangle, buddy. She will eat you alive. Think praying mantis. Besides, if you’re dating a woman who likes boorish, arrogant, dishonest, control-obsessed, greedy men with odd sexual tastes, what does that say about you? So there you go, guys. What women don’t want: aggression, cluelessness, overconfidence, lying, power issues, and money6…unless the cash is a happy perk that comes with an otherwise nice guy. Oh, and spanking. Most of us don’t want spanking.
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