Contrary to popular opinion, the two most important words you will utter in your life are not “I do.”  No—there’s another Dynamic Duo of words that, unlike “I do” will tend to get you out of hot water rather than into it, and that’s why they’re more important.  Of course, I’m talking about the phrase “Yes, dear.”

For soothing the savage breast, not even music can come close to the power of “Yes, dear!”  I’m not alone in my assessment of the significance of these meaningful mots.  I found a poll online asking, “Do you think it’s okay for a man to agree with his spouse just to avoid a conflict?”  85% of respondents answered “Yes.”  Of course, only eight people participated in the poll, but still, seven of them are smart, and that’s seven smart people—a find any day of the week.  Plus, I’m betting the eighth person was single and can be excused for getting the question wrong.  And believe you me, there is a “right” and a “wrong” answer here!

It wouldn’t even matter if you inserted the words “woman” and “her” instead of “man” and “his” in the question.  The fact is, letting your mate win now and then without any argument is an important part of any relationship.  Just think how good it would feel if your partner did that for you.

On the topic of doing things for your mate that your mate probably doesn’t do for you, here’s my Valentine’s Day 2005 advice: whether you’re a man or a woman, over the coming weeks try using the words, “Yes, dear” liberally, sprinkled throughout your conversations with your significant other.  It’s a suitable answer to any question, and it’s nice and concise.  Even the most taciturn man should be able to muster the energy to say it.

In honor of Valentine’s Day and National Music Week*, which coincidentally both fall in February, I’ve come up with a song that pretty much sums up my feelings about those two little words so essential to the success of any marriage.  Instructions follow.

For the musically inclined: This song is sung to a syncopated tune in C major.  (Anyone interested in producing the Broadway musical version of The Marriage Files can contact me for the score.)  If sung by a woman, the chorus should be male.  If sung by a man, the chorus should be female.  Directions to the chorus are given in brackets.  Alternate lyrics, depending on the lead singer’s sex, are given in parentheses.

For the musically disinclined:  Sing it any old way.

Yes, Dear
words and music by webmistress@themarriagefiles.com

If you’re wondering how you should have responded
It’s… [chorus] ’Yes, dear’
If you didn’t and now you are despondent
The words are … [chorus] ’Yes, dear’
No sounds are more delightful
More sweet or more insightful
Than when you say the words I long to hear…
[chorus] ‘Yes, dear’

So if you’re thinking of disagreeing, Stop!
It’s… [chorus] ’Yes, dear’
If an opinion you might be feeling, Halt!
It’s… [chorus] ’Yes, dear’
Having thoughts is very harmful
Disturbing and alarmful
Let me do the thinking around here…
[chorus] ‘Yes, dear’

They say honesty’s the way
I’m telling you that’s not okay
Don’t let contrary thoughts into your brain
If they appear just shoot them down
We don’t want them around
Our blissful union’s based on this refrain
[chorus] ‘Yes, dear’

So if harmony at home’s your goal, sir (ma’am)
Say it!  … [chorus] ’Yes, dear’
Hold your tongue, know your place, play your role, sir (ma’am)!
and say it… [chorus] ’Yes, dear’
‘Cause in all of history
Nothing has caused more misery
Than not saying what your wife (husband) wants to hear:
[chorus] ‘Yes, dear’


* I used a little artistic license here.  Actually, National Music Week is the first week in May.  But February is National Chocolate Lover’s Month (I wonder why?) and incredibly, February 14 really is National Condom Day.