That women and men have difficulty making themselves understood to one another is undeniable.  Sometimes it’s just a he said/she said difference in perspective, but other times, there’s more going on.

The traditional stereotype of women is that they don’t say what they mean or mean what they say.  You know, the “when a woman says ‘no,’ sometimes she really means ‘yes’” thing.  Yet another traditional stereotype of women is that they are the great communicators of the species, the ones who can soothe, solve or manipulate with a few well-chosen words, translate the indecipherable squeals of infants, learn foreign languages with ease, and perform better on all manner of verbal tasks.

Well, we can’t be both, damn it.  It’s a sure sign that a stereotype is wrong if it directly conflicts with another stereotype about the exact same group of people.

Where men are concerned, though, it’s entirely different.  All of the stereotypes about male communication skills agree: guys suck at saying what they mean or meaning what they say, or sometimes at saying anything at all.  For specifics, let’s examine several characteristically male modes of communication.

Always Leave Out the Most Important Part of the Thought
Where time is concerned, I’m the kind of person who likes to hang loose.  When my husband K— and I first got together, I was always thrown by the seemingly simple question, “When will you be home?”  I’d lived alone a lot, so I wasn’t used to being asked to stick to a timetable.  I’d take an educated guess, but basically I was pulling a number out of a hat (and I told him so) because I’m the kind of person who’ll pull out of the driveway, hear on the radio that my favorite band is playing in a city four hours away, and decide to go—now.  Again and again, I would arrive home at some other time entirely than the one I’d specified and K— would say something like, “Where were you?  I’ve been waiting; now it’s too late to go for a bike ride.”

You’ll notice that the words “bike,” “ride” and “us” didn’t appear anywhere in his question to me before I left the house.  Why didn’t he just say what he wanted to do and when?  It took me a long time to realize that asking me when I would be home was his way of making a request for me to be home by a certain hour (but an unstated hour), rather than expressing a general, I’m-just-curious kind of interest in where the hands on the clock would be pointing when I returned.

I’ll give men this: when they talk, it’s for a purpose…although usually a concealed purpose.  If a man asks you something that sounds just plain conversational, always remember that there’s a hidden agenda.  Often, you can ferret out the true meaning by replying, “What is it you really need to know?”

When a Man Says ‘No,' Sometimes He Really Means ‘Yes’
Hey, I never said the stereotype was wrong—just the sex to which it’s been applied.  To illustrate, one year I suggested to K— that we have a little New Year’s Eve party.  We started to discuss whom to invite, and as the number of people actually approached double digits (what a crowd!), he began to put on the brakes.  He said he didn’t want it to get too large.

On New Year’s Eve, as our small roster of guests arrived, the topic of the size of the guest list came up again and he said, “You didn’t think I didn’t want more people over, did you?”  Yes, hon, I got that impression, and yes, it was something you said.

Sometimes these first two principles of male communication combine to create really confusing requests.  One day in our kitchen K— said to me, “Would you please turn off the coffeemaker?”  I did, to which he reacted with this: “You didn’t just turn off the coffeemaker, did you?”  (Perhaps when a man says “off,” he really means “on?”)  Somehow he thought that implicit in his request was the instruction to put the machine into another mode before hitting the power button.  I’m still not sure how I was supposed to know that.

There Is No “News”
This is also known as the “If you heard that the world was coming to an end in two hours, would you bother to tell me?” phenomenon.  When I ask K— if there’s anything new at work, the answer is invariably no.  But then one day he’ll actually tell me what happened at work (zounds!), and he’ll nonchalantly refer to someone whose name I’ve never heard before.  When I ask about it, it turns out that since he filled me in last, people at his office have been hired or fired, have resigned, been deported or visited by aliens, or went into the hospital for a vasectomy and came out with breast implants, and he just never thought I’d want to know.  Somehow, none of that qualified as “news.”  Bizarrely, though, he’ll call me at lunchtime any day there’s bad news.  He just can’t wait to share that.

Finally, there’s the pièce de résistance:

If Proven Wrong, Mess with Her Head
Again, an example from real life: K— had told me about this very funny line in a movie, and when we finally saw the movie together, he discovered that he hadn’t remembered the line quite right.  It was funnier to him the way he’d remembered it, not the way it actually was.  It really bugged him that he’d been convinced he’d heard the line exactly as he remembered it, but here was proof that he hadn’t.  I said something like, “Oh, and that’s never happened before.” 

He gave me a dirty look and accused me of turning everything into a snide comment about his communication (in)ability.  Then, not ten minutes later, we were discussing lunch.  Here’s how the conversation went:

K: Is there salad?
Me: There are salad fixings.
K: So there’s no salad.
Me: What do you mean?  I just said there are salad ingredients.
K: But is there salad?
Me: K—, we have lettuce, carrots, cucumber, grapes, apples—all the usual things to make a salad.
K: So there is lettuce?
Me: Yes, there’s lettuce!  But you didn’t ask if there was lettuce!  You asked if there was salad!
K: I think I left a cake out in the rain.

Men, to mess with a woman’s head, try these techniques, time-tested by my husband K—: bizarre non sequiturs, intentionally misleading information, and ‘60s song references inserted at any point in any conversation when you require a distraction.

Now, I ask you, is it me or is it him?

I thought so.