One of the most long-standing beefs women have about men is that guys have a commitment problem.  Historically, this meant that women were sick and tired of waiting for men to grow up and want to get married and settle down.  But in the last couple of years I’ve noticed a shift.  No longer does “commitment problem” mean a guy won’t pop the question.  Now it means that a guy can’t make up his mind about anything.

My husband K— is a case in point.  Ask him a question, and he will be as non-committal as possible.  His revolving list of non-answers includes maybe, perhaps, we’ll see, possibly, not sure, let’s play it by ear, could be, I haven’t decided yet, ask me later, mañana…you get the picture.

Indecisiveness is aggravating because it means that pretty much nothing ever happens that requires planning.  Your social life enters a holding pattern, your personal agenda is in a perpetual stall.  If you actually had a waffle for every time your husband/boyfriend waffled on something, you’d be Kellogg’s.

Synchronicity being what it is, I had just started writing this when a flood of complaints from other females about male indecisiveness started coming to my attention.  Among other things, I found two articles at Salon.com (click here and here) and some hilarious cartoons (click here and look at numbers 6 and 7).  In one of the articles, a woman gives a guy the boot on the first date because he won’t pick out a restaurant, saying she wants “a man with a plan.”  That’s harsh, but I can sympathize.  K—’s inability to pick a restaurant is the reason why we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary after our 8th wedding anniversary had passed.  And a honeymoon?  I’m still waiting.

Apparently, there is an outright epidemic of men putting off until tomorrow what they could decide today, and I’m afraid my house may have been its breeding ground.  How bad is it?  Years ago, I learned a pop psychology trick.  If you want to prevent a kid from having a tantrum, you limit the available choices.  For instance, you never ask a child, “What do you want for lunch?”  You’ll just get an answer such as, “Dinosaur dingbats,” and unless you’re really creative with chicken nuggets, just watch the screaming commence.

No, what you do is ask the child, “Would you prefer egg-salad or peanut butter and jelly?”  Nine times out of ten, presented with just two options, both of them within the realm of possibility, the kid will just pick one and not even think about alternatives.

When I first became aware of K—’s commitment problem, it occurred to me that a similar ruse might work on him.  I stopped asking, “What would you like for dinner?” and started asking, “Would you prefer pasta or an omelet?”  How well did it work?  I had neglected to give K— more credit than a five-year old.  “What would you like?” became his stock response.  Aarrgh!  Foiled again!

At least I knew better than to try another pop psychology solution: being purposely indecisive in order to show K— just how annoying it is.  My brother once did something similar with his two kids, thinking that if they saw him act the way they did, they’d realize how badly they were behaving and stop.  Big mistake.  Tantrum squared is how he put it.

Anyhow, reading about all these young, single women crying “epidemic,” I realized something: they’re under the impression that male indecisiveness is some new problem.  They think there was a time when men weren’t indecisive.

Boy, are they wrong!  What do they think smorgasbords and channel changing are all about?  Indecisiveness is a male trait that goes back to the beginnings of time.  In the unexpurgated version of the Bible, Adam says to Eve, “I don’t know…I’m not sure I’m in the mood for an apple.  Well, okay, if you’re having some…”

Ladies, when you get really frustrated with your man’s hedging, my advice is to let him know it by serenading him with these alternative lyrics to a song you know (with apologies to The Beatles):

He’s a real Yes/No man
Sitting in his Yes/No land
Making all his Yes/No plans
For nobody

Yes/No man, please listen
You don’t know what you’re missin’
Yes/No man
The world awaits your command

Doesn’t have an appointment book
If he did, he wouldn’t give it a second look
When it comes to planning
He’s not a bit like me

Yes/No man, stop delaying
No one likes procrastinating
Yes/No man
Make up your mind or get off the can…

I don’t usually have to croon more than two verses to get K— off the fence.  It’s not shame that does the trick; it’s my singing, which is truly embarrassing.  Humiliation is the price I have to pay for a commitment, but at least that’s free.