“Rule number one: don’t propose to a girl on a bus.  Rule number two: don’t tell her it’s because you had a bad dream.”
—Reese Witherspoon as June Carter in the movie Walk the Line


On July 4, 2005, Todd Grannis of Grants Pass, Oregon, lit himself on fire in front of his girlfrield, Malissa Kusiek.*  He then jumped into a swimming pool to extinguish the flames, dropped down on one knee, and asked her to marry him.  “Honey, you make me hot,” he was quoted as saying to her.  “I hope I’m getting the point across that I’m on fire for you.”

Talk about a high-pressure marriage proposal!

I can’t believe how often I hear about men presenting their girlfriends with an engagement ring in situations so fraught with stress that there’s no chance for anything like an honest answer: in front of all her friends, his friends and both their families; on radio or TV; by taking out a full-page ad in The New York Times; or just before a tandem parachute jump.  Hmm…will her answer have anything to do with whether he pulls the ripcord or not?  Tune in at eleven to find out.

Whether women want men to pull these stunts seems debatable.  Certainly, a lot of them answer “yes” when put on the spot…but what’s a girl to do when flames are licking at her boyfriend’s shoelaces and the script has been prepared for her?  If I was Kusiek, the thought going through my mind would have been, “If I say ‘no’, what’s this lunatic going to do next?  Set me on fire?”

When I started thinking about high-pressure marriage proposals, I came to the conclusion that the guys who do it are trying to increase their odds by counting on a woman’s reluctance to deliver a fatal psychological blow in public.  Since they’re not sure they’re going to win, they rig the game.

I suspect that most women would rather have the freedom to say “no” without being made to feel as though doing so will crush a man’s ego into a crumpled mass like an aluminum can in a recycling machine.  Whatever happened to giving a gal some time to think it over?   In old movies the man always gallantly and good-humoredly said, “That’s all right, old girl.  Take as long as you need.  I only want you to be happy.”  Sometimes the would-be couple remained buddies even after she decided they weren’t right for one another.  He might even cheerfully serve as the best man at her wedding to his best friend.  Now that was good breeding.

But those were the old rules, and these are the new rules, in play since at least the 1960s, if the following is any indication.  In the movie Walk the Line, about the courtship of Johnny Cash and June Carter, Cash proposes to Carter on stage during a performance in London, Ontario in 1968.  Evidently, after he’d asked her “forty different ways” (including on their tour bus after having a bad dream—see quote above) and she’d said “no” every time, he decided to ratchet his method up a notch.  It’s a true story.  She finally said “yes,” they got married a week later, and their marriage lasted for 35 years.  But don’t count on this happening to you.  I wonder how many of these strong-armed betrothals fall apart at a later date…one when both parties can slink away unnoticed.

One thing’s for sure: these men are not certain of the outcome, even with the added element of a threat.  You’ll notice that Todd Grannis had the foresight to put himself out before popping the question instead of standing there all ablaze while Kusiek thought about it.  He was quoted as saying, “She wasn’t expecting it.  She had no clue.”  And he wasn’t betting on her ability to think fast.

I know I had no clue when my husband K— asked me to marry him.  The story of our engagement is so emotionally loaded that K— has forbidden me to repeat it to anyone, but I can tell you that he caught me totally off guard.  Not only did I not see it coming, at first I thought he was joking, and I almost laughed.  Of course, I’m pretty dense that way.  So how fast did I think?  Let’s just say it’s a good thing K— wasn’t on fire.

Although it disturbs me that high-pressure marriage proposals have a certain “marry me…or else” aspect to them, I have to admit that I find them kind of appealing.  They’re a way of doing something special, unforgettable, unique—the source of a good story he can tell the rest of his life...even if it is to his therapist.  And if everything goes down in flames (as opposed to him going up in flames by design), all is not necessary lost.  I’ll bet that somewhere out there is a guy whose attempt at a spectacularly memorable marriage proposal backfired, but who ended up married to a very nice nurse instead.


* Click here to see the official version of the story.