Quick, answer this question: Which sex likes sex more, men or women?

If your only source of information about the human animal was popular culture, you’d be forced to conclude that men are rabid sex fanatics and women regard sex as a commercial arrangement to procure babies and jewelry.  Yes, in movies and books and on television, guys are always trying to “get some” and women are always coyly trying to avoid same until some sort of fee is paid.  Thank heavens we have a little thing called “reality” against which to check nonsense like this.

I present Exhibit A, the already-famous study of reasons to have sex that’s been lavishly covered in the news over the last month.  When I read that the researchers wrote, "Why people have sex is a surprisingly little-studied topic.  One reason for its relative neglect is that scientists might…assume…the answers are obvious," my first thought was this: well, aren’t they??  Obvious, that is.  I mean, this is hardly a subject for metaphysical pondering.

In addition, I had exactly zero expectation of meaningful differences in what motivates men and women to have sex.

Turns out I was right on both counts.  Consider this: of the reasons that top the list, the first eight are the same for men and women with only insignificant differences in order.

Number one for both sexes was, “I felt attracted to the person.”  Hey, that wasn’t obvious.

Number two for men and number three for women: “It feels good.”  Nope—that wasn’t obvious either.

Number three for men and number two for women: “I wanted to experience physical pleasure.”  Nothing obvious there.  Also, I’m not clear on how that’s different from “it feels good,” but whatever.

Speaking about the study’s results, co-author Cindy Meston said, "It's refuted a lot of gender stereotypes ... that men only want sex for the physical pleasure and women want love.  That's not what I came up with in my findings."

But reality must never be allowed to intrude on entrenched beliefs.  How did certain members of the media spin the story?   Duncan Robertson, a reporter for the British newspaper The Daily Mail, wrote, “The researchers…confirmed what most already consider obvious—men and women think differently about sex.”  I can only conclude that what Robertson really wants to be is a fiction writer, not a lowly journalist, and he’s working at his new career on his employer’s time.  That much is obvious.

This study is pretty much the last word on reasons why the sexes have sex, but what about how much they want sex, or how much sex they want?  I would argue that in a competition, women would handily win this contest with men or at least proudly hold their own.

Women are the ones with the insatiable appetite for porn …if you include Harlequin “romances”—now there’s a euphemism for you!—and the “Studs ‘N Spurs” calendars on sale at Wal-Mart, and believe me, they deserve to be included.

A woman is the one who wants marriage to have an expiration date so we can all have a little more variety without the guilt, an idea already admirably put into practice by Elizabeth Taylor, who outdid two-time husband Richard Burton in total number of spouses…just to prove it could be done.

And how much more proof do you need that women remain sex crazed even in old age than the play The Producers, in which poor overtaxed Max Bialystock services fiendishly demanding “dirty old buzzards” in exchange for “checkies?”

Heck, my own husband claims (although I have no recollection of this) that he once asked me if I’d ever had a one-night stand, and I answered, “You were supposed to be.”  And what do you think I find most memorable about the 1989 movie adaptation of Shakespeare’s Henry V?  The sensitive direction?  The historical authenticity?  The genius of Britain’s greatest bard?  Heck no.  It’s the scene in which Kenneth Branagh lolls about on the throne lasciviously in leather trousers without the benefit (I would say detraction) of underpants.  Again, obvious.

Fact is, women are amazingly proactive in seeking sex.  Hot on the heels of that first sex study came…another sex study.  That’s the one confirming that if given the choice between beauty, brains and personality, men go for beauty, even when they say they won’t.  That, bub, is why women dress like trollops, spend a small fortune on cosmetics and miracle diets, and engage in unnecessary surgery to sculpt a perfect body.  Men do none of these things, or at least tragically few!  If women didn’t do these things, they’d go home alone.

We always hear men complain that women prefer men who abuse them, who cheat on them, and who generally treat them badly.  These guys have got it all wrong.  Women do in fact go out with jerks more often than nice guys, but it’s not because we prefer how jerks treat us.  It’s because the jerks look better. *

Guys, take a clue.  We’re shallow sexpots, which is what you’re always saying you want us to be.  If we’ll put out for guys who treat us like garbage just because they know how to dress, think what we’d do for a nice guy who just made an effort at style and personal hygiene.  Follow my advice: use a little eyeliner (look what it did for Johnny Depp and Green Day), drop a few pounds, and invest a few bucks in some new clothes that cover what ought to be covered and reveal what ought to be revealed.  You won’t be able to beat the women off with a stick.


* Beauty and bad manners are probably inextricably intertwined.  How often do you suppose a really handsome man or a really beautiful woman is compelled to develop his or her personality?

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