The Marriage Files

When I was a kid, mood rings were all the rage. I remember having one and marveling that something could change color in response to how I was feeling. Recently, my husband K— came up with an idea for a 21st-century mood ring. He envisions a two-part device: a ring with a transmitter that I would wear, and a receiver that he would wear. He could be watching a football game and his receiver would beep or buzz or vibrate the way cell phones do to indicate changes in my mood. That way, if something was making my dander rise, he’d have advance notice instead of being surprised when I stormed into the room, grumbling, with 30 seconds left, a tie score in the game and his team nearly within field goal range. He just wants some warning, he says, so he can nip the problem in the bud.

I’m all for this kind of mate stakeout, but I would make a few changes to his plan. First, instead of ring and receiver being separate devices, the receiver should simply be part of the ring. Then, adhering to my governing principle of mutuality in all things marital, we’d both wear one. That way, I could keep tabs on his emotional state while he’s keeping track of mine.

Second, my version of the ring would have much more expansive capabilities. There would be programmable modes so we could both be on the lookout for very specific problem behaviors. Men always like to say they’re surprised by their wives’ mood swings, but let me tell you, when it comes to monitoring misconduct, women have the far greater need, so we’re the ones who really stand to benefit by having our husbands wired for wrongdoing.

There’d be the Mood mode, of course, that would just tell a woman whether her husband’s state of mind is sweet or sour, but there could also be a host of other modes to help avoid domestic conflicts. Does your man suffer from the delusion that he’s an ace do-it-yourselfer when really he’s a home-show reject? Demolition Man mode would warn you of abnormally high testosterone levels that indicate he’s much more confident of his abilities than he ought to be. Does hubby nap at inappropriate times? Snooze mode would measure rapid eye movement to signal that he’s sleeping on the job, while driving the kids to school or while attending a social function. Find it hard to gauge when your mate is receptive to affection? Put his ring in Good Lovin’ mode, and never risk rejection again. Basically, this would measure all his vital signs to tell you when he’s not doing anything else, because that’s the only time a woman can get her husband’s attention.

Got a guy who’s a bit too free with money when unsupervised? Reign in his profligacy with Big Spender mode, which will warn you that he’s about to blow the money allocated for a new washer and dryer on some useless high-tech overpriced gadget instead. I suppose it could just measure the muscle contractions that indicate he’s reaching for his wallet. With today’s communications technology, it ought to be possible to issue a “stop” command on the joint credit card account before he can even perform the swipe. Of course, this could backfire if he stops to buy you a dozen roses. This one would really make an impact on my marriage, because of the two of us, K— is definitely the spendthrift. In fact, one of my nicknames for him is Sir Spendalot. What I wouldn’t do to know where all the money goes!

There are other obvious modes for which there’s bound to be high demand: a Drinky mode that just reads out his blood alcohol level remotely; a High Roller mode to tell you when he’s pulling the lever on a one-armed bandit or about to roll dice; and a What’s Up? mode that would tell you when he’s contemplating breaking his vow of fidelity (I hardly think I need to tell you what that mode measures).

A man would probably want a Jabberwocky mode to warn him that his wife wants to talk when he gets home, as well as a Time’s Up! mode to read out the days or years left on her biological clock. The ring would also be capable of custom modes—programs written to reflect the unique needs of a specific couple. For instance, K— would probably want a mode that tells him when I’m writing a TMF!

The manufacturer of K—‘s updated mood ring would make a fortune because it would sell like hotcakes. It would be at the top of every bride’s gift registry list! But what would we call this revolutionary ring? Not a spousal tracking device, even though that’s what it is, because that would get shortened to STD, and we all know what else that stands for! It’s a pity, too, because strangely enough, those words contain the following: SPOusal Tracking deVICE. Weird, huh?

So how about the Spousal Shackle instead? The Better-Half Fetter? The Connubial Chain? The Conjugal Cuff? Or how about just the Wedding Band? I can even see it replacing the conventional, non-electronic wedding band. After all, part of the point of a wedding ring is to remind people of their vows, right? And that’s just a list of what you are and are not supposed to do after you get married. The electronic wedding band just adds an element of enforcement...and a whole new meaning to the phrase "domestic surveillance."

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